Lately, it feels like a wrecking ball has been sent through my life. I’ve been wandering around, picking up bits and pieces, trying to identify what they are and crying out to the heavens about why the heck my life didn’t just need some minor remodeling.
The past nine months the Lord has been doing something different with me. I wrote a post that skimmed the surface awhile ago, but the Lord didn’t stop there.
So here’s the grit of what I’m realizing:
I used to cut in high school. I would take all my angsty emotions about feeling left out by friends, feeling overlooked at home, feeling superior to people in my classes, feeling wildly hormonal and emotional, feeling extraordinarily excited about things that seemed minor, and I would numb them. I would shove them back into some deep recess of my brain and pretend like they never existed. And in my effort to either release some of that tangled up emotion or just because I felt empty because I was so numb all the time, I would cut my body. I guess it brought some kind of relief at the time, but what I’m realizing is that even though I stopped the physical act of cutting over 7 years ago, I never stopped numbing out.
So I’ve walked through 7 years with the Lord trained into numbing out a huge range of what it means to be human. It has been hard to admit that I need Jesus at times because I am unable to feel the weight of my sin. It has been hard to trust people without falling head over heels for an imaginary and manufactured fantasy version of them, just in case they actually disappoint me. And for some reason, I have believed that this very small range of what I can feel is exactly how God made me. That for me to be tolerable to the Lord, I can’t possibly feel all those things.
But over the last few months, God has been pressing buttons that unlock those deep recesses of emotion. He is asking me to trust Him. Fundamentally it seems all the things He brings me through are just a piece where He is asking me to trust Him. To believe Him.
And anytime I choose to trust Him, to believe Him when He says that He loves me, that He will never leave me, forsake me, forget me, overlook me, and that what His son did on the cross is the ground on which I stand with Him, it is crazy painful. There have been cracks of deep despair, piercing grief, ravaging anger, and whispering joy that have ripped through my life for so long that the Lord decided that it was time for change. It was time for freedom.
And I know that this isn’t the end-all, be-all, that finally experiencing emotion isn’t going to fix everything, but it is a step. It’s one more opportunity to entertwine my fingers with my Heavenly Father’s and know that everything is going to be okay. And to step with Him into freedom.
Amen to that.