I am coming to realize that my life is turning out a lot differently than I was expecting. There have been so many twists and turns in the road along the way, and I have figured out in hindsight that those turns are exactly what needed to happen. But life lately doesn’t follow any kind of map that I’m familiar with. I feel like I am in entirely uncharted territory with so many unanswered questions and a Heavenly Father that feels really silent right now. I know, with confidence, that He hasn’t left me, but I have just been sifting and sorting and questioning tons of things lately and every other voice seems to be shouting at me, while under the cacophony He is still quietly whispering.
Enter crazy life decisions.
This past year, I was working at a church doing high school ministry. Previous to my internship, I 100% thought that youth ministry was my calling and I was excited about the experience to launch me into a vocation of serving the Lord by loving on high school and middle school kids. But my life made a funky little turn about February of this year when it became increasingly apparent that ministry, at least in a church context, is not for me. That’s a story for another time, but all of sudden the future I had been so certain of sort of fell off the side of the table and shattered on the floor, leaving me with pretty much no clue of where to go or what to do come this August.
Well, it’s now September and I still have pretty much no idea. I managed to get a job at a coffee shop after applying to what feels like millions of big kid jobs and getting rejected from all of them. But somewhere along the way, I got the crazy idea in my head sometime this spring to apply to the Peace Corps. I have heard a crazy variety of reasons to not go through with it and some really incredible stories of growth and decided to go through the application process, not thinking I would get very far. Because, in my mind, the Peace Corps is full of high achievers who have wanted to serve in the Corps for as long as they can remember, who went to fancy private schools and studied international affairs, really want to do something out of the ordinary and are super hardcore, who is a future diplomat or something – aka, not me. Me, who pretty much failed out of college after sophomore year, who majored in Religious Studies at one of the most secular institutions in the country, whose only work experience has pretty much been at a church, who is pretty politically apathetic and psuedo intellectual, who studied italian for years and still can barely hold a conversation, who is great at starting things and crappy at actually getting around to finishing them… me. The whole process I have tried to be 100% honest and just tell them that I have no idea why I’m applying but that it just seems like a good thing. And I keep getting through each new phase of the process.
I am not qualified for this, but I’m excited about learning.
I am terrified on what I’ll miss out on in life back home for over two years, but I’m excited to live and not just visit somewhere really different than I’m used to.
I’m afraid that it’s just going to be a waste of time, but I have a feeling that the growth I’d experience will make up for any ways that it isn’t what I expect.
I just seriously haven’t the faintest idea of what I’m doing, but for some reason I still have peace about it.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that I have mixed feelings. But I guess I’m nominated! So next steps are crazy paperwork and then I guess if I make it through all that, eventually I’ll find out a location, program, and departure date!
But whatever happens, I think all I want is to just be in God’s will. And if I truly trust Him, in His character, then I know that He is sovereign, that He is taking care of me, and that He will position me where He needs me to be, whether that’s somewhere crazy abroad and in the Peace Corps or if that’s still in good old Boulder, Colorado. Lord, make me willing.