failure

I, like many of my peers, have made the not-so-inspiring leap into moving back into my parent’s basement. I feel like I just crossed the threshold of becoming a true, real-life, directionally challenged and confused twenty-something. This is a hallmark moment! Yikes.

To be honest, I am really thankful that my mom would be willing to squeeze me back into her crazy work-dominated life after living alone in her house for the past five years. Definitely a prime example of sacrificial love from a mother, that’s for sure.

But if I am thankful, then why do I also feel like by bringing my first suitcase back in through the front door that I somehow failed? That in doing so, I am admitting defeat in a war against adulthood and retreating back to my old chocolate-chip-mint-ice-cream-green painted room? (I would like to note that the fact that my mother let me paint my room this color is another gold star in her book of sacrificial motherhood) I just can’t help but think, despite all the financial/life change decisions that went into me deciding to move home instead of trying to figure out another option, that I failed. And that is super hard for me. But what I’m realizing is that in setting yourself up for success, in my case saving some money and having the flexibility that I may need if I decide to go on with this Peace Corps thing, I guess sometimes you have to fail. The two opposites apparently are not always mutually exclusive.

Doesn’t make it any easier to put aside your pride though! So much of my identity is all wrapped up in my assertion of independence and thinking that I am able to take care of myself – so to be sitting in this very green room again totally tears to the core of my identity. Of who I have always thought that I am and what I would be capable of. I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to take care of my own basic needs once I got out of college… but maybe I was just being naive to think that my story would be different from so many of my friends.

But apparently that is the season of life that I’m in – forced humility. The uncertainty of life right now, with so many different possibilities open to me, with no career path or direction popping up, with my personal belongings scattered across three different residences, I am constantly admitting that I can’t depend on myself at all. Instead, I have to depend on the only One who knows what the heck is going on right now. I’m glad the Lord is forcing me to live in dependence on Him and people He’s put in my life because I am not capable of living like that on my own – this stage is so good but still sucks so bad.

I guess stay tuned for further revelations of misplaced identity. If you find that sort of stuff interesting, anyway. 🙂

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Has anyone else ever experienced what I’m going through right now? Did you feel similarly? Please leave a comment below.

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4 thoughts on “failure

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